Go to the farmers market and buy the dark crusty loaf you know will go stale in three days.
Pinch off nibbles of bread discreetly to occupy your hunger while tabling the info stand. All you had for breakfast was a Walmart kiwi.
Become worried you won’t have enough to have for breakfast with that fancy French butter and seedy black raspberry jam you keep in your dorm room closet. Continue eating while you worry.
When your friend asks for a slice, grudgingly cut off a wedge. Friendly-glare at him when he remarks it is a very “you” bread.
The next day cut off the end slice, slightly stale from a night neglected in the closet, and smear it generously with butter and jam.
Enjoy your birthday breakfast.
(Optional: write one of those how-to guides that you hate about how to eat bread.)